Trigger Warning: I’m writing after ages on this blog but have decided to cut the crap and go in deep. The stuff I share here today is personal and I choose to write about it because I’m done with dealing with stuff alone. I know many people are going through versions of what I’m talking about here and I think they’re ready to hear my raw reality. If that is you, know that clearly you aren’t alone. If it isn’t you, well, this is me.
Desire – Desperation – Disappointment – Devastation
Are you familiar with this morose cycle? Or is it just me? Do you know what it feels like to be in an infinite loop of deep desire, that turns into intense desperation, that then meets with imminent disappointment, which quickly morphs into devastation?
I am all too familiar with this loop. You see, Danny and I have been trying to conceive for a while now. And all this while, I’ve been consumed with a strong desire to have a biological child (This is in addition to my little Aimée, who we’ve always wanted to adopt and are currently on a waiting list for. She’s on her way from the Father’s heart to our home).
But why this deep desire to have my own child? I don’t know. I’ve thought about the ‘why’ a lot. Maybe it’s because I’m 35 now and the infamous biological clock is quite palpably ticking? Maybe it is because I live with my brother’s two-year old twins who I see have transformed their lives with the joy that they bring? Maybe it is because so many of my friends are pregnant or have children? Maybe because I’ve told myself this is an essential for a “full” life experience? Maybe it’s because when you are married to someone you love so much who is made up of Greek-god looks, Anglo-Indian charm, the finest quality character and excellent moral fiber; you naturally want to procreate with them?
Anyhoo, I can’t pin-point the exact root of this deep desire but it has been in the forefront of my heart and has pretty much taken over my mind for the past year or so.
But, let’s talk about the loop again. Each month, for the past several months, has been this exact same cycle with me:
It starts each month with hope. Hope is a wonderfully weird thing. It’s great but it can consume you. It can inflate you with anticipation. So, I hope. I hope that this month is going to be the month that I find out I’m going to have my desire met.
What ensues is a long wait. Ugh! I hate waiting. I’m impatient. The wait is actually only for a few days but every minute is excruciating (only because I’m majorly obsessing about this “reality” that I’ve imagined exists). During the “wait”, I’m indulging in obsessive “preparation”. How am I going to tell my family I’m pregnant? Which doctor am I going to see? My internet search history looks like this: the best baby cribs, pregnancy and the working woman, cute animal baby onesies… you get the drift.
The closer I get to “that time of the month”, the more agonizing my wait gets.
Then comes the disappointment. Like clockwork. There’s that fateful moment when I discover the crime scene I was afraid I would. Somewhere deep down I saw it coming but I refused to expect it. I must have “faith” right? So, faith I had. I believed with all my heart and hoped and waited. But, now, I’m upset and devastated.
Why me? Why not this time? Will it ever happen? What did I do wrong?
What follows is a few days of feeling like road kill: completely irrecoverable and totally devastated. My days are quite dismal and my vision is gloomy. I walk around with a heavy cloud over me; but, of course, I mask it ever so well. I pretend I’m fine but I’m in pain inside. I use humor and my extroverted personality to disguise the fresh gnawing lesion in my heart.
But then it happens — the switch! I wake up again one fine morning saying, enough is enough. I’m not going to wallow. I’m going to put my trust in God. I am going to have faith. How flimsy am I to I give up? I need to believe again and slowly but surely, hope springs again.
You see what I mean? It’s vicious this cycle. If you’re going through something similar, you’d understand. Maybe it’s with a different circumstance in life. Maybe it’s with finding the right person you’re meant to be with. Maybe it’s in trying to find out what you’re good at. Maybe it’s looking for the right job. Are you in this loop of desire that ends in devastation? If so, let me share with you something that happened with me this week.
This week has been so pivotal for me. I just went through the “disappointment” part of my cycle last week. I was shattered. But, before I slipped into the loop again, I decided to break it completely. How am I going to do this? I obviously can’t fix it in my own strength. So, I turned to the Holy Spirit. I asked Him to open my eyes to what is really going on here and asked Him to put an end to my misery.
This is what ensued:
I was prompted by the Holy Spirit to go through all of my journal notes over the last year. As some of you know, I journal every day and have a library of my previous notes on an app called Evernote.
I obeyed the Holy Spirit. I dug into my archives and started reading my notes from the past year. What I read scared me more than a Stephen King novel might. I saw a streak of pathetic self-centeredness. My notes were saturated with words like “me”, “my desire”, “I want”, “my future”, “my children”, “my testimony”, “my life”, “my miracle”, “my faith”, etc. It was nauseating. I almost had an out-of-body experience. I saw how I sounded like to God and it disgusted me. I realized that I have been in a selfish and conditional relationship with God, the focus of which has been “my” desire.
I wept. I felt like a veil had been taken off my eyes and a weight off my shoulders. I saw all too instantly that my desire had taken over so many areas of my life. I had let it affect so many things. I desperately asked the Holy Spirit to fill me with a desire for Jesus. For the Great Commission. For the end-time harvest. I begged Him to consume me with desire that will never end in disappointment: a desire for more of Him.
See, here’s the thing: I’m not at all insinuating that it’s wrong to want a life partner, children, a great job, wealth and everything else that almost defines a successful life here on earth. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting any of it. But the problem lies when these wants morph into our life goals; and the Cross and our calling fade away into the background.
I found myself in the precarious position of having made my biggest desire something other than God and His Kingdom.
So, here I am, baring my soul on my blog, trusting it will bless someone. Loving God isn’t easy especially when there are so many things competing for our fascination and attention.
Today, I choose His Kingdom over my kin. I choose His plans over my posterity. I set aside my idea of success and embrace submission to His Will. I choose to love God like He loves me — with no strings attached!
Will I always feel like this? No.
Will I have to make these choices daily? Yes.
Will I still have a desire to have a child with Danny? Yes.
Will I trade my destiny in God for this consuming desire in my soul? No.
Will I see God’s faithfulness in my life? Most definitely yes.
Will I have biological children? I don’t know.
Will I love God even if I don’t? With all my heart.
I’m not afraid to have my heart exposed to you today. I’m not afraid to let you know that you’re not alone if you’re struggling with desire. I encourage you to choose to pursue God every single day wholeheartedly. I encourage you to talk to someone. I encourage you to lean on the Holy Spirit.
Most Flagrantly Yours,
– Becky Lee.
48 comments
Bina
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 7:54 amBecky, I feel you. I have been there. May God use you for His glory and extension of His kingdom.
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 8:06 amThanks Bina.
Sherilyn Sequeira
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 8:09 amThis is simply beautiful.
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 8:21 amThanks so much
Smita
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 8:43 amIt’s almost as if you wrote from my heart, Becky! I have a few dreams of my own that I know are not wrong to have. But I guess we all have those ‘Isaacs’ in our lives on which we rest all our hope and happiness. And then one day, God asks us to sacrifice them before him. Thanks so much for sharing!
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 9:08 amThanks Smita! Yes. I’m sure we all have several areas like this one! 🙂 Thanks for reading.
Josephine Gomez
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 8:47 amBeautifully written Becky, it takes courage and humility to bare one’s heart to uplift another and you’ve done exactly that. I agree one hundred percent with you that in pursuing God’s heart we will find the fulfillment. God bless you & Danny abundantly.
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 9:08 amThank you so much Aunty for your encouragement.
Anita
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 8:57 amYou are one powerful woman I know. Beautifully expressed . Thank you Becky I needed it today.
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 9:09 amThanks akka. Hope you are doing well. Love you!
NanditaDaniell
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 8:59 am😭😭😭♥️ beautiful 😭
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 9:09 amThanks Nandu
Rajiv Chelladurai
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 9:11 amBeautiful and powerful at the same time. God bless
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 9:24 amThanks Rajiv.
Salma
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 9:15 amLovely brutal and honest..been through a similar situation in my life on another issue where God gently lead me to introspect and ask the song you sing to Me …Lord You’re more than enough for me ….is it really true child ? And I’ve been in that place feeling so miserable about His love for me inspite of my self centredness….
Thanks for the write up ….to dare to bare…. may you continue to draw closer to the Awesome Father
Praying for your desire and His will to intersect Becky and Danny. Love and prayers always
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 9:25 amThanks so much Salma. Encouraged to read this Yes, God is more than enough for us and we need constant reminding of that. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by.
Leslie
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 9:21 amEureka ! Eureka !! Eureka !!
” Open the eyes of my heart, Lord ……..”
I pray that the realisation the Holy Spirit has shown you wil remain, before your eyes, heart & mind, even after your desire had been met or even otherwise. ” O God bless the apple of my eye. “
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 9:26 amThanks so much Daddy! 😀
Victoria Bagwadia
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 9:24 amVery well written Becky. God bless you & Danny
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 9:39 amThanks so much Victoria
Mimi
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 10:05 amBecky girl,what a beautiful honest heart rending confession and all I can say is ” Have Thine own way Lord in your precious time”. Here I am trying so hard to get you one for adoption, not realising the desire and ache to have one of your very own. And so I pray with you and for you that Abba will certainly meet the desire of your heart but since He knows all things need to add….”Have Thine own way Lord.”. And may you and your loving husband say “Thy will be done Lord.”
God bless you my precious children.
Love Mimi.
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 10:09 amThanks so much Aunty Margeret. We are surely adopting too. Our desire for that has been strong always and thankfully it is something we can do willfully and have applied on CARA for it. However, not being able to conceive has taken a toll on me. But, I’m certain God’s ways are higher, His timing is perfect and His love is all I need right now. Love you, and thanks for stopping by!
Melita Pinto
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 10:23 amThis is so beautiful Becky, been thru this cycle and the Holy Spirit intervened. Got my breakthrough from disappointment and discouragement. Continue to press on… He has beautiful plans for you and Danny.
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 10:29 amAmen Aunty. Thanks so much.
Julitana
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 10:36 amWas filled with so many emotions reading this, i cried 😭, i was in awe to see The Holy Spirit take it all over😮, filled with joy, hope n expectation🤗 and Thankful to God! 🙌🏽
Nothing is impossible for our God, Amiee will come and He will also bless your womb..
He was waiting… HE WILL DO IT!
♥ IS ANYTHING TOO HARD FOR THE LORD?
No Nothing at all… 😘
Renember the 3 things an Angel of God gave you years back.
1) Pile of papers.. (with your writing on it)
2) A staff
3) A pair of eyes..
God has a plan greater than your imagination my baby..
Love you papa…
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 10:56 amLove you ma. Thanks for commenting. Will write more!
Caroline
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 11:02 amBecky, this is written so beautifully and is so raw and heart wrenching. I feel you. I pray for you and Danny everyday and wait for that “big news moment”. It will come…
Till then stay blessed.
Love you and Danny, so much ❤️
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 12:08 pmThanks so much Mum. Love you and miss you so much. God is at work!
Cressida
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 11:36 amThank you for being obedient to Jesus and sharing your walk with many who will draw from your message. It is humbling. Surely, Pursuing God and His heart is the ultimate desire for mankind to experience His faithfulness. Thank you for pointing at Christ as the highest source of fulfillment. God bless you with more of His love and intimacy. Everyone reading this is surely blessed. You are awesome Becky. You inspire sooooo many. Sheer blessing!
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 18, 2020 at 12:09 pmThanks Cressida for taking time to read and comment. Encouraged and blessed. Love you! Becky.
Vasanthi Murali
Posted on April 19, 2020 at 2:53 amYou have penned it so beautifully Becky, Been in that place many a times and can feel all that you have so beautifully narrated .. Nothing is impossible with God, He will restore double to you.. You are a blessing.. I miss you so much.. Praying for you..
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 19, 2020 at 6:39 amAunty I miss you so much too. Love you
Bonnie
Posted on April 19, 2020 at 2:57 amOh Becky,
I’ve so been there. I feel your feelings ever so deeply. That’s what lead me to COH to meet Jesus in the most real way. When I did I kept asking for more.
The day I realized how sin centric I (I is the middle of SIN anyway)had been and actually threw away my deepest desire to his will ….not wanting anything more than him …..that was the point he gave it all to me and more.
You are now standing at that point.
There is always a waiting…a growing period and when that’s done there comes great rejoicing .
God bless you my dear….indeed u are the bravest.
Love
Bonnie
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 19, 2020 at 6:40 amThanks for the encouragement Bonnie
Sheena
Posted on April 19, 2020 at 6:13 amBeautiful and very uplifting… God bless you and Danny!
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 19, 2020 at 6:40 amThanks so much
Valerie Salway
Posted on April 20, 2020 at 2:11 amHappened upon your Blog!
I will Pray for you to Conceive. ABBA has always heard This Particular Prayer!!!! Believe and Receive, Becky!!! You will Give Birth to a Child of your Own! He is Faithful!
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 20, 2020 at 5:26 amThanks for stopping by aunty
Tess
Posted on April 20, 2020 at 7:30 amReading through your blog I sensed your every ache and pain and struggle ! Been there too ! God is surely making you stronger to carry out and birth His purpose through you ! Gosh I see you touching thousands n thousands of lives through the gift you carry !Remember Nothing is too hard for our Lord !! The Holy Spirit will reveal all to you as you make Him your best friend !! He will give you the desires of your heart as you delight in Him ! Loved the way you have bared your soul …powerful ! Praying for you Becky always !!! Love you ❤
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 20, 2020 at 8:02 amAunty. Thanks you for the constant encouragement. I love you and miss you so much.
Reet Saraogi
Posted on April 20, 2020 at 1:07 pmI love you Becky, you are beautiful inside out…even though, many of us, at some point in life get that realisation and are confronted with our weaknesses but it takes great courage to confess it to the whole world….God bless you!
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 20, 2020 at 2:13 pmLove you too. Miss you guys.
Sony Pandian
Posted on April 21, 2020 at 11:00 pmDear Becky,
You have written so beautiful and very bold. I can feel your heart in every words you have written.
You are a blessing for many people around you and especially you are an inspiration for me. I’m sure your waiting will turn in to joy , Jesus is going to say Beckey – her you go my faith full child , your time of waiting period is over . This is the season to rejoice in the gifts which I have sent for you . I am sure he will give you the desires of your heart as you wait on him .
Sony Pandian
Posted on April 21, 2020 at 11:02 pmDear Becky,
You have written so beautiful and very bold. I can feel your heart in every words you have written.
You are a blessing for many people around you and especially you are an inspiration for me. I’m sure your waiting will turn in to joy , Jesus is going to say Beckey – her you go my faith full child , your time of waiting period is over . This is the season to rejoice in the gifts which I have sent for you . I am sure he will give you the desires of your heart as you wait on him .
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 21, 2020 at 11:06 pmLove you!
Amit Saraogi
Posted on April 23, 2020 at 8:48 amInspiring, Encouraging & Thread bare Becky! I’m reminded of this saying which I read long time back, “God will not work before time as He will not get maximum glory, He will not work after time as He will get little glory, But He will work ON TIME, because that’s when He will receive All the Glory!” So continue to Press On & you will begin to see His Plans Unfold in your life! God bless you & Danny richly…Love you guys!!!
beckyleepearson
Posted on April 23, 2020 at 9:08 amThanks for the encouragement.
Juliyana Leslie
Posted on April 18, 2022 at 4:07 pmIn 2 years, look what the Lord has done baby!!!! 🤗🤗🌷🌷🙌🙌 be to His, Name!!